Soda Cans Can Blow Up

Unlike some methods found in traditional relationship counseling understanding what you’re REALLY upset about is the key to having extraOrdinary relationships.

Rather than blaming other people for your reaction, it is important to recognize that it is actually your inner critic that is triggered, telling you that they are behaving this way because you are not loved enough, valued enough, important enough.


We are never angry at what we think we are angry about. It is always the underlying message that our inner critic is giving us that is responsible for the damaging patterns in our relationships.

noYour Inner Critic is the voice in your mind that is constantly talking to you and telling you what you need to improve, where you don’t measure up, and what you need to fix.

Your inner critic tries to have control over your world, and convinces you that if you listen to it and do exactly what it says, you will have control. You will be able to get your life to go in the direction that you want it to go. You will get people to treat you the way you want them to. Most of us don’t realize how much of our lives are controlled by our inner critic.

When the important people in our lives trigger our inner critic, we can react by getting angry, critical, sometimes even hostile! Even with the best relationship advice, this can become a pattern in relationships, where even the smallest of arguments can trigger people into an out-of-control reaction.

Most people get automatically sucked into the message of the inner critic, and then attempt to control the feelings they are having by fixing or changing the world outside. They think that if they can just change their current circumstance, they will be ok. The real problem is not with the outside world. Most of the time, problems are not what they appear to be. The real problem lies with your reaction to whatever is occurring, and that reaction is caused by the inner critic.

This attempt to change the outside world can wreak havoc on our relationships. We try to fix or control the way people behave towards us, so that we can feel loved, important, valued.

When you stop believing your inner critic’s messages, you have the ability to completely transform the quality of your relationships. You have the power to create more love, connection, passion, and fulfillment, simply by not allowing your inner critic to control your relationships.

Learning To Be Free of Manipulations

manipulationLearning to separate yourself from your Inner Critic and let go of the automatic attempt to fix or control and instead very consciously choosing love and connection to your true self – without the interference of your Inner Critic – is a key step to an extraordinary relationship.

The greatest gift you can give to your relationships is to learn to be free from the damaging messages of your Inner Critic. Your Inner critic is constantly evaluating and judging you, your life, your partner, and your relationships. When your inner critic is in charge, it tries to control other people and the dynamics in the relationship so that things fit your Inner Critic’s ideal picture. Of course, in trying to do that, at any given moment, your partner can do or say something that causes distress inside you as soon as that ideal picture is not met. Our Inner critic creates fear and insecurity because:

  • Your partner is not behaving the way that they should, or
  • Things aren’t happening in your relationship the way that you want them to.

Your inner critic labels situations as desirable or undesirable, good or bad, right or wrong, all based on the way things are “supposed” to be.

Your Inner Critic tries to make sure situations that happened in the past don’t repeat themselves or tries to prevent situations that may occur in the future so as to avoid any possibility of discomfort. But the Inner Critic’s attempts to prevent you from experiencing what it labels as “problems” is actually creating more problems. This is how your Inner Critic causes you to struggle and suffer in your life.

Your Inner Critic is either trying to prevent problems from occurring in your relationship or trying to figure out how to handle it when there is a problem.

If your partner says something that makes you feel badly inside, your Inner Critic will attempt to make them realize they are wrong or will punish them so they never make you feel that way again. Your Inner Critic keeps you stuck in believing the thoughts that create the bad inner feelings in the first place.

The key here is recognizing that your inner critic is the one who is telling you that you should feel disturbed. When you are lost in your Inner Critic, you say and do things that may end up causing damage in your relationships. You don’t have clarity,  instead you’re lost in your inner critic’s attempts to fix things.

This is how negative vicious cycles get formed in relationships…acting and saying things from the point of view of your inner critic.

Our practice helps save marriages, if you feel you could use expert relationship advice, you can always call on us…we’re here for you.

Messages the Inner Critic Sends

girl-looking-in-mirror-3.jpg?w=640&h=366At our family and marriage counseling center, we have discovered that much of our sense of self comes from the messages of our inner critic. We believe the messages of our inner critic, even when life gives us evidence with a totally opposite message.

If our inner critic tells us that we are not good enough:

  • No matter how many people love us,
  • No matter how much success we have had in our lives,
  • No matter how many compliments we have received we only listen to what our inner critic says.

We think we hear those positive things about ourselves because we have “fooled” the ones we love. If they REALLY knew us the way we “know” ourselves, they would see what we know to be true. But, thus far, we have fooled them. What great con artists we all are! What if others actually see us for who we REALLY are?

What if who we think we are, our self concept, is really the lies our inner critic has been telling us for our whole lives?

When we listen to the lies of our inner critic, we don’t let people get too close, or they will discover that we are not enough. So, it is our inner critic that is responsible for keeping our heart closed.

  1. When our hearts are closed, our walls of protection are up.
  2. When our walls are up, even the best relationship advice can’t help with saving a marriage.

In our decades of working as family and marriage counseling experts, we’ve discovered that a closed heart contributes to:

  • Depression,
  • Anxiety,
  • Low energy,
  • Feelings of tiredness and being run down.

When our hearts are open, this creates high energy, and we can experience joy, passion, enthusiasm. So, our energy level has little to do with our age, our sleep patterns, our eating patterns. Mostly, our energy level has to do with whether our hearts are open or closed, which depends on what our inner critic is telling us at any given moment.

How much energy you have, how much love you feel, how much enthusiasm you have, how much enjoyment of life you experience is all about keeping your heart open.

Our counseling center, The Center for ExtraOrdinary Relationships is offering a one-day relationship course titled, YOUR INNER CRITIC: THE ULTIMATE TROUBLE MAKER IN RELATIONSHIPS on May 14, 2016 where you can learn how to keep your heart open.

Keeping your heart open, regardless of the circumstances, is what creates true joy, vitality and love.

  • Whether you are single and looking for a relationship,
  • Want to make a good relationship even better, or
  • Want to fix a troubled relationship, knowing how to keep your heart open, regardless of the circumstances, is the key.

We hope you can join us and permanently shift the way you see yourself and your relationships with others. Once you learn to keep your heart open, the quality of your life will never be the same!