Learning to separate yourself from your Inner Critic and let go of the automatic attempt to fix or control and instead very consciously choosing love and connection to your true self – without the interference of your Inner Critic – is a key step to an extraordinary relationship.
The greatest gift you can give to your relationships is to learn to be free from the damaging messages of your Inner Critic. Your Inner critic is constantly evaluating and judging you, your life, your partner, and your relationships. When your inner critic is in charge, it tries to control other people and the dynamics in the relationship so that things fit your Inner Critic’s ideal picture. Of course, in trying to do that, at any given moment, your partner can do or say something that causes distress inside you as soon as that ideal picture is not met. Our Inner critic creates fear and insecurity because:
- Your partner is not behaving the way that they should, or
- Things aren’t happening in your relationship the way that you want them to.
Your inner critic labels situations as desirable or undesirable, good or bad, right or wrong, all based on the way things are “supposed” to be.
Your Inner Critic tries to make sure situations that happened in the past don’t repeat themselves or tries to prevent situations that may occur in the future so as to avoid any possibility of discomfort. But the Inner Critic’s attempts to prevent you from experiencing what it labels as “problems” is actually creating more problems. This is how your Inner Critic causes you to struggle and suffer in your life.
Your Inner Critic is either trying to prevent problems from occurring in your relationship or trying to figure out how to handle it when there is a problem.
If your partner says something that makes you feel badly inside, your Inner Critic will attempt to make them realize they are wrong or will punish them so they never make you feel that way again. Your Inner Critic keeps you stuck in believing the thoughts that create the bad inner feelings in the first place.
The key here is recognizing that your inner critic is the one who is telling you that you should feel disturbed. When you are lost in your Inner Critic, you say and do things that may end up causing damage in your relationships. You don’t have clarity, instead you’re lost in your inner critic’s attempts to fix things.
This is how negative vicious cycles get formed in relationships…acting and saying things from the point of view of your inner critic.
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